What Is Shame? | Sex Therapist Near Me Answers
What Is Shame?
Hey everyone! Shameless sex therapist and coach Jackie here blogging from Minneapolis, MN! *Disclaimer: There are some fun affiliate links embedded into this blog, what this means is any purchases made from these links support my business at no extra charge to you :) Glad we got that out of the way boo! Anywhoo, around the holiday season, we deal with shame a lot. Whether or not we know, recognize, or even realize it, shame creeps in. Let me quickly answer this big ass question of what is shame? Since there are a lot of answers to this question.
Shame is Covert & Overt
Shame is Complex Trauma
Shame has the Ability To Impede Our Confidence, Decision Making, & People Pleasing Tendencies Towards Others
The list goes on and on about what shame is and different examples of shame. You may have wondered why I brought up the holiday season. Covert and overt shame get brought up during this time. Let’s define covert and overt shame.
Covert Shame: Hidden messages that feel shaming or kept secret from the world, not always talked about or rarely discussed. Also tricky to detect, using a lot of nonverbal behavior and body language more than anything else. An example could be a person at your house for Christmas digging in your couch cushions to see how clean it is or if there is garbage and making a judgmental face.
Overt Shame: Not hidden, directly said out loud, and could be to the person or oneself. Examples can be easy to pick up on or difficult depending on tone of voice, communication style, body language, etc. An example of overt shame is saying something like, “Wow you’re really losing your touch on cooking the turkey properly this year!” Making the person feel shamed and regretting their decision to host the holiday in the first place.
My shame master Brene Brown who is a badass researcher, talks about her theory on shame resiliency and shame triggers. According to (Brown 2008), Her work was first coined "Shame Resilience," and later her feedback from participants evolved to "Shame Triggers," and changed this phrasing. According to Brown (2008), She Found There Are 12 Shame Categories Including Appearance & Body Image, Money & Work, Parenthood, Family, Parenting, Mental & Physical Health, Addiction, Sex, Aging, Religion, Surviving Trauma, Being Stereotyped and labeled. She describes 12 different categories of shame regarding triggers. My Theory The ABC’s Of Shame, includes many more categories, 26 at least ;) regarding shame triggers. You can learn more about these by purchasing the How To Be Your Shameless Self Manual on my shameless self care shop here! The holidays are not mentioned, along with hosting, the stressors of doing this, as well as, unnecessary shameful comments that can be made.
How Is Shame Complex Trauma?
Toxic shame actions, attitudes, behaviors, coping mechanisms, and defense mechanisms can all be a part of complex trauma. Complex PTSD can stem from toxic shame, childhood abuse, neglect, abandonment, and other symptoms regarding home, family of origin, mental illness, and more. Let’s break down the definition of shame and share various kinds of shame definitions before we hop into complex trauma.
Shame Definitions
According to Suttie (2016), "According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging" (pg. 1).
According to her book, Sex, God, & The Conservative Church, "Sexual shame is a visceral feeling of humiliation and disgust toward one's own body and identity as a sexual being, and a belief of being abnormal, inferior, and unworthy" (Schermer Sellers, 2017, 28:05).
Be it shame or more specifically, sexual shame, there are many complex trauma symptoms related to these definitions. Let’s take a look at what complex trauma is.
According to Trauma Dissociation (2013), "Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is the result of multiple traumatic events occurring over a period of time, often referred to as, 'complex trauma'. Causes include multiple incidents of e.g., torture, slavery, genocide campaigns, prolonged domestic violence, repeated childhood sexual or physical abuse." (pg. 1).
According to Trauma Dissociation (2013), The following include Complex Trauma Symptoms, "Difficulties with affect regulation aka emotional regulation, negative self-concept through persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by deep and pervasive feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the stressor, Interpersonal Sensitivity about persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others. The disturbance causes significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Interpersonal Problems with avoidance (avoiding relationships), feeling distance or cut off from others, and never feeling close to another person," (pg. 2).
Does it tie together or are you more confused than ever? Here’s the simplest way for me to put it, shame is a part of complex trauma symptoms. When we don’t realize it’s covert and overt forms of emotional and psychological abuse, that’s the scary part about shame. It’s all connected and there are shame cycles that we can experience over life.
How To Deal With Shame
There are tons (over 100+) of healing shame exercises in my manual you can do! With my Shame Manual, I teach you how to trust your intuition and discern which shame exercises are right for you! If you want a few more tips, check out my YouTube Channel Video Interviews On Sexual Shame & Purity Culture Exposed, as well as, Fuck the Sex Shame Podcast with Alyssa Ljubicich from the Circle!
Since shame does have the ability to impede our confidence, we need to be able to recognize when shame is happening and invite shame into the room. Don’t try to avoid or control it, the two main ways we tend to shame, rather, treat it as you would a friend. Let’s break this down a little further into building your trust floor with shame.
According to Roberts and Schermer Sellers (2020), it is important to build these 3 Steps into a Trust Floor:
Recognize the Shame - Again Triggers Work
Understand the Why - Reflect & Journal About This
Practice Self-Compassion - What Skill Do I Need To Use?
By building this trust floor by breaking down shame, we build confidence, better decision-making skills, and recognize any people-pleasing patterns as well. People pleasing is also a shame trauma response, as well as, a shame personality. My theory talks about shame being covert and overt, we all have shame personalities that influence many areas of our lives, including sex, there’s more than 12 shame trigger categories and more!
What Are Other Healing Shame Exercises?
I see you! Wanting to overcome and heal your shame! The list of healing shame exercises goes on and on. From building the trust floor to assertiveness skills, boundaries, shameLESS communication skills, journaling techniques, narrative therapy approaches, shadow work, and tons more for healing shame exercises. If you are wanting to learn more about How To Be Your Shameless Self, then purchase my Shamelessly YOU! Workshop: How To Build Confidence By Breaking Down Shame!
Here’s what you’ll learn in this workshop…
✨ What is shame vs. guilt vs. embarrassment?
✨ Information About Shame Psychology & Research
✨ Examples of Shame, Signs of Shame In a Person, and Different Definitions of Shame in Psychology
✨ Jackie’s Shameless Theories & Thoughts
✨ How Shame Shows Up
✨ Learning About Shame Responses Regarding Complex Trauma
✨ What Shame Personalities Show Up In Your Life
✨ What Confidence Is, What Tools You Can Use, & Confidence Examples
✨ How To Know If Your Sexual Self Confidence Is Off…
✨ Shameless Communication Skills, Emotions Wheel, Self-Soothing Exercises, Learn How To Create A Loving Relationship With Yourself
And MORE!
What Will I Receive With This Shame Workshop?
✨ A Body Scan On Shame Practice To Help Ground Your Energy
✨ Journal Prompts For Shame
✨ How To Trust Your Intuition & Emotions When Working With Shame
✨ Shameless Visualization Reflection Questions
✨ Learn About Shame Triggers, How To Build Your Trust Floor, & Use Self-Compassion Skills
✨ Shame Shadow Work & Light Work Empowering Questions
✨ Create The Vow To Yourself Exercise
✨ BONUS: Jackie does a sexual self-care card reading for those who purchase this at the end! :)
This will all come to you via digital download with a link inside for you to access right away!
***A Value of $497 all for the low price of only $49.95 for the holiday season.
***Prices will go up on 1/1/2024, Purchase today!
I hope this blog helped you learn more about what is shame, complex trauma, and different healing shame exercises.
If you are still reading this blog at this point, and have shame questions, then consider purchasing an email consultation with me for Q&A. This is a service through my business and I know sometimes people want questions answered :) Please read the terms of service on that page.
If you want to work with me in therapy, couples sex therapy, sex therapy, or self care therapy, then Book your consultation here today!
Stay Shameless
If you are looking for help with Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy, & Self-Esteem, you can read more about how I can help on those pages. If you are seeking Sexual Wellness Coaching Services or Holistic Healing Services, click on those links! If you are a therapist in Minneapolis or outside of Minnesota and seeking Consultation Services, Pick Your Brain 1:1 Consultation, or a Speaker or Trainer for Your Next Workshop, I can help here too! Let’s get started on your Shameless Goals in Minneapolis, MN today!
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