Own Your Destiny In Relationships: A Sassy Guide to Spotting Red Flags Pt. 1
Relationship Red Flags
Hey, Shameless Squad! Buckle up because today we're diving headfirst into the tumultuous waters of relationship red flags. Just know that all the red flags listed below relate to shame. Underneath shame is blame. Whether or not we know it, or our partner(s)/spouse knows it, when we blame others it’s because there’s some sort of shame we are not dealing with ourselves. Shame is complex trauma and abusive. If you haven’t read my other blogs about this, I highly encourage you to go back and learn a little more about shame. Let this be a sign to stay shameless, do and be with your shame work and transform it into pleasurework and challenge others to do and be with their shame work too. So let’s spill the tea, get ready for some shameless sass to come out and let's dissect these warning signs!
Red Flags In Abusive Relationships
Let’s dive into some shameful red flags in abusive relationships…
Relationship Red Flag #1: Experiencing physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse
If your love life feels like a twisted action movie, complete with a toxic script and no romantic hero, it's time to hit pause. No one deserves to be a punching bag – physically or emotionally. Your relationship does not need to be a horror show; you're the star of your own fabulous life.
Relationship Red Flag #2: They don’t listen to you or show an interest in your feelings
If your partner can't spare a minute to lend an ear to your struggles, it's a red flag alert. Relationships are about sharing and caring, not a one-sided monologue. If they're not interested, they're not worth your time.
Relationship Red Flag #3: They don’t apologize and say I am sorry when they are wrong
Is "I'm sorry" something a partner doesn’t say? Well, darling, that's not just stubbornness; it's a toxic red flag. Healthy relationships involve apologies, not an ego-driven standoff. Saying things I’m sorry but, I’m sorry you felt that way or I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, isn’t taking ownership of what they actually did. These are shameful apologies, not shameless (healthy) apologies or communication skills. If they can’t take time to say sorry, then it’s time to move on boo!
Relationship Red Flag #4: Not taking accountability and responsibility for their actions
If your significant other has a PhD in dodging responsibility, it's time for a relationship intervention. You can't build a stable connection on excuses and blame games. Accountability is the hottest accessory in all and any type of relationships, and if they're not wearing it, show them the exit.
Relationship Red Flag #5: Blaming you for how they treat you or for anything bad that happens
If your partner's favorite hobby is blaming you for their questionable life choices, it's a glaring red flag. Relationships are a be a two-way street, not a blame highway. If they can't take responsibility for their own actions, it's time to redirect them toward personal growth and self-reflection.
Relationship Red Flag #6: Always angry at you, someone, or something
Does your partner have a permanent grudge against the world? Well, darling, that's not just a red flag; it's a red fireworks display. Constant anger is exhausting, and it's not your responsibility to be the peacekeeper in their anger management saga.
Relationship Red Flag #7: They are jealous and don’t want to share you with others
Jealousy is not a cute accessory; it's a red flag cape. You're not looking for a superhero with insecurity issues. Healthy relationships allow room for independence, trust, and occasional flirting with that cute barista without triggering a jealousy storm.
Relationship Red Flag #8: They have a history of stalking other people
Stalking is not a quirky hobby; it's a red flag that screams "run for the hills!" If your partner is into investigating your past like Sherlock Holmes, it's time to reassess the relationship. You're building a future, not solving a mystery novel.
Relationship Red Flag #9: Extreme mood swings, 0-100, and doesn’t regulate their emotions
If your partner's mood swings resemble a rollercoaster with a faulty brake system, it's time to exit the ride. Emotional rollercoasters are meant for theme parks, not relationships. Stability is key, and if they can't regulate their emotions, it's time to find someone who can or require them to work on this, go to therapy, read books, use self-soothing tools, and explore their options. It is not your job or responsibility to soothe their stressors and shame triggers.
Relationship Red Flag #10: They blame all the arguments and problems on you
If every argument feels like a courtroom drama where you're the defendant, it's a red flag waving in the wind. Healthy relationships involve compromise and shared responsibility, not a blame game where you're the scapegoat. Raise your standards; you deserve better.
Types of Abuse
Physical: Hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, or using a weapon on a person to hurt someone, can leave bruises, and scratches, and result in injuries and/or marks
If your relationship feels like a mixed martial arts match without the referee, it's not a sport; it's abuse. Physical violence has no place in a loving relationship. It's time to tap out and find someone who knows the rules of love.
Emotional & Psychological: Non-physical actions or behaviors that are used to frighten, control, and/or isolate a person. This could be threats, insults, dismissiveness, jealousy, humiliation, intimidation, or being constantly monitored. This can also include gaslighting, isolating you from others, name-calling, threatening to harm you and/or others, unpredictable anger outbursts, and yelling.
If your relationship resembles a psychological thriller with you as the unsuspecting victim, it's time to change the genre. Emotional and psychological abuse are not plot twists; they're relationship nightmares. Seek help, cut ties, and write your own empowering script.
Sexual: Sexual acts forced upon anyone, without their consent.
If your partner thinks consent is a multiple-choice question, it's time to school them on the ABCs of relationships. Sexual assault is not a compromise; it's a crime. If they're not respecting your boundaries, it's time to show them the exit door.
Types of Abuse In A Relationship: The Reactions To Watch Out For
Victim blaming and shaming, “Why don’t they just leave?” when it may not be 100% safe to leave a situation without a well-thought-out plan and protecting oneself. This is also the tactic of those who lack empathy. Leaving an abusive situation is not as easy as flipping a switch. It requires planning, support, and, most importantly, understanding.
Use of numb-ers, substance abuse, use, alcohol, drugs, etc.
When faced with the aftermath of abuse, some might find solace in the bottom of a bottle or a pillbox. Substance abuse is a crutch, not a solution. If you're tempted to numb the pain, reach out for help instead. There are healthier ways to cope, and your future self will thank you.
Withdrawing from people, situations, and things, isolating
Abuse can turn social butterflies into reluctant hermits. If you're finding comfort in isolation, it's time to spread those wings again. Reconnect with friends, family, and all the fabulous things that make you, well, you. Isolation is the enemy, and we're here to evict it from your life.
Experiencing depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, shame, and self-blame
The aftermath of abuse can feel like a storm of emotions, with shame and self-blame raining down. Remember, it's not your fault. Seek professional help to navigate through the clouds of depression and anxiety. You're not alone in this journey, and there's sunshine on the other side.
Experiencing fear or recurring fear of a partner and/or people in general
Fear is the unwelcome companion of abuse survivors. If you're carrying the weight of fear, it's time to put it down. Reach out to a support system, whether it's friends, family, or professionals. Fear is not your destiny, and there's a life beyond it.
Experiencing denial, engaging in rationalization, and/or gaslighting oneself for what they experienced
Denial is the first cousin of self-gaslighting—the art of convincing oneself that the abuse wasn't "that bad." Your pain is valid, and you deserve acknowledgment. Seek therapy to untangle the web of denial and gaslighting. You get to rewrite those shameful narratives and change them into shameless scripts, spotting the gaslighting and no longer allowing this to be a part of your story.
Worrying and experiencing uncertainty about how to leave and/or escape the abuse
Leaving an abusive situation can feel like plotting a grand escape. If you're worrying about the logistics, know that there are resources and people ready to help. Reach out to organizations that specialize in supporting survivors. You're not alone, and your safety is a priority.
I hope this blog highlighted some things regarding relationship red flags and signs you are dealing with abuse and shame.
Until next time, stay shameless and embrace your sexy self-care routine! Make sure you’re doing your Pleasurework friends!
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