Relationship Red Flags: Your Guide to Spotting Unhealthy People Pt. 2
Relationship Red Flags
Hey shameless squad! Welcome back to the sassy guide through the maze of detecting those red flags! Today, we're diving into part two of our relationship red flags extravaganza. If you missed the first part, buckle up and get ready for some more tea-spilling on the danger zones of relationship red flags. Let me preface this with red flags, whether they are mini, big, or medium, can be things we actively choose not to recognize in relationships. For example, a nonsmoker who goes out on a date or is seeking new friendships connects with someone who smokes. They think it’s no big deal, I won’t be put in an awkward situation, and as nonsmoker themself, they can have the willpower to say no, just like dare ;) The person they’re out with asks if they want to smoke or want to step outside for a smoke. Red flag for this person right there. They could actively choose to ignore the red flag sign of not wanting to be around smoking because they previously quit. Temptation sets in, they think they can handle the situation, and then it can end up being unhealthy for them and before you know it, has a cigarette in their mouth. One of the biggest things about recognizing relationship red flags be it in people we date, relate, or are friends with, is recognizing if that red flag is a deal breaker or not. We also need to have the self-discipline to say no, set and hold boundaries, and remember the why behind that. Maybe that person had a diagnosis of lung cancer and that’s why they needed to quit. Anyway, I digress and wanted to tell you to always introspect and reflect on relationship red flags and how they could affect you. Now let’s continue with more relationship red flags...
Red Flags In Abusive Relationships
Relationship Red Flag #11: They tell you how to dress, act, or behave in settings around others
If your partner thinks they're your personal stylist and life coach, it's not relationship goals; it's a red flag carnival. You're a grown adult capable of making your own decisions. Nobody needs a relationship dictator telling them what to wear or how to behave. Show them the runway, not the exit. Remember, your fashion sense is not up for negotiation.
Relationship Red Flag #12: They compare you to former partner(s)/spouse(s)
If your partner has a habit of playing the ex-files in your relationship, it's time to change the channel. Comparisons are toxic and won't lead to a healthy relationship. You're not auditioning for a role in their past; you're the star of the present. Don't let them turn your relationship into a rerun of their old dramas. You deserve a leading role, not a supporting one.
Relationship Red Flag #13: They tell you to shut up, you’re dumb, stupid, ugly, fat, and/or say this in front of others
If your partner's idea of pillow talk involves insults and body shaming, it's time to hit the eject button. Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and if they can't muster that, it's time to find someone who appreciates your fabulousness. No one deserves to be spoken to in a way that makes them feel less than the amazing person they are.
Relationship Red Flag #14: They say they are committed to you and then end up cheating on you
If your partner's commitment is as sturdy as a paper umbrella in a storm, it's time to reevaluate. Cheating is not a relationship milestone; it's a relationship demolition. If they're not committed, don't let the door hit them on the way out. Your heart deserves someone who values loyalty as much as you do.
Relationship Red Flag #15: Consistently lie to you, don’t show up for important dates, can even disappear
If your partner is playing hide and seek with your feelings, it's not a cute game. Consistent lying and disappearing acts are not relationship magic tricks; they're relationship red flags. Honesty and consistency are the main acts in the relationship circus. Your love story deserves a plot twist, not a disappearing act.
Relationship Red Flag #16: Checks in with you too often to the point where they monitor your whereabouts
If your partner is giving you more check-ins than a flight itinerary, it's time to reroute. Constant monitoring is not a sign of love; it's a sign of control. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and if they're not building it, they're building a surveillance state. Your life is not a reality show; it's a private journey.
Relationship Red Flag #17: Bug you or even force you to be sexual if you do not want to
If your partner treats consent like an optional feature, it's time to revoke their access. Nobody should be pressured or forced into anything they're not comfortable with. If they're not getting the message, it's time to send them a red flag emoji. Your body, your rules; there's no compromise on that.
Relationship Red Flag #18: Don’t respect your boundaries or take no for an answer
If your partner treats your boundaries like a suggestion box they can ignore, it's time to redefine the relationship rules. Boundaries are there for a reason, and if they're not respecting them, it's time to show them the exit sign. Your comfort and well-being should always be a priority.
Relationship Red Flag #19: They yell a lot and don’t lower their voice when you ask them to
If your partner's vocal range resembles a rock concert at all hours, it's not a melodious love story; it's a red flag symphony. Constant yelling is not a healthy form of communication. If they're not toning it down, it's time to turn the volume down on the relationship. Your conversations deserve a peaceful rhythm, not a chaotic melody.
Relationship Red Flag #20: Are physically rough with you, push, pull, yank, or shove you in places
If your partner is treating your relationship like a WWE match, it's time for a tag-out. Physical aggression has no place in a healthy relationship. If they're getting handsy, it's time to show them the ropes—straight to the exit. Your love story should be filled with gentle touches, not forceful shoves.
Relationship Red Flag #21: Has a history of alcohol abuse and/or other heavy drug use
If your partner's relationship with substances is more intense than their relationship with you, it's a red flag party. Substance abuse can wreak havoc on a relationship, and if they're not seeking help when experiencing an addiction, it's time to leave the party before it gets out of control. Your love should be intoxicating, but not in a harmful way.
Relationship Red Flag #22: Accuse you of coming on too strong/cheating/flirting with others when you are not
If your partner has a habit of throwing false accusations your way, it's not a game of Clue; it's a red flag mystery. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and if they're constantly playing detective, it's time to solve the mystery of a healthier relationship elsewhere. Your integrity should not be up for interrogation.
Relationship Red Flag #23: Threaten to kill themselves if you leave them or that they can’t live without you
If your partner is making emotional blackmail their go-to move, it's time to break free from the manipulative chains. Nobody should feel held hostage in a relationship. If they're playing with your emotions like a puppet master, it's time to cut the strings and regain control. Your happiness should not be a bargaining chip.
Relationship Red Flag #24: Have a history of getting in trouble with the law, getting into fights, or even destroying property
If your partner's rap sheet looks longer than a CVS receipt, it's time for some serious reconsideration. A history of legal trouble, violence, or property destruction is not a colorful past; it's a black-and-white warning sign. If they're not on the right side of the law, it's time to make a legal exit. Your love story should be drama-free, not a crime novel.
Types of Abuse In A Relationship: Responses To Watch Out For
Let’s talk about abusive shameful responses we here and may not realize are abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse are hard to detect. Sometimes it can also be difficult to accept when we are experiencing abuse and it is important to recognize this, so it does not happen again. Abuse takes many forms and in many environments. Nowadays, abusive language can be in relationships, churches, purity culture, sex, business, work, bosses, employers, supervisors, family members, and more. The scary truth about shame is it usually comes from those who are supposed to be there for us the most and sometimes are there for us the least mentally and emotionally. So let’s talk about some types of abusive responses when it comes to relationships.
“You’re making that up,” “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” and “You’re remembering that wrong,” is all about gaslighting.
“You made me mad, so it’s not my fault,” lack of responsibility, accountability, and ownership for their part in relationship conflicts.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I apologize,” “I’m sorry but you hurt me too,” fake shameful, unhealthy apologies.
“You did this to me,” “Look what you made me do,” “Wow this is a you problem clearly,” blame, what is underneath blame is always shame.
The examples can go on and on when it comes to shameful vs. shameless communication.
How To Heal From Shame Abuse
Let’s talk about healing from shame in abusive situations, conversations, and relationships. Here’s a list of steps you can take when it comes to shame exercises in all and any relationships.
1. Slow down and identify what is coming up for you. Do this to build shame awareness. What actions, behaviors, coping strategies, defense mechanisms, or emotions are you experiencing? Take a pause and reflect.
2. Practice self-compassion skills. Kristen Neff is the baddie who created this shit and her work is great! Treat yourself like you would a friend (self-kindness skill), build mindful awareness (mindfulness skill) and let yourself remember that others struggle with tough things too (common humanity skill).
3. Call out that shit in a shameless way! Don’t avoid, run, flee, ignore, deflect, suppress, repress, or reject shame, invite it in as a friend and talk about this as if it were in the room with you. Whether or not you realize it, it is. Use shameless communication skills to speak about shame and communicate in a shameless way.
4. Nervous or stressed to call out shame? Same, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Now IDGAF about calling it out because people need to learn how to treat us and this is a component of self-respect, self-love, and building confidence by speaking TF up. So, when you’re nervous, use self-soothers, breathe, drink water, slow down, and ground your energy. Again, don’t run away from your shame work, otherwise, your mental, physical, and sexual health will catch up with you.
Final Thoughts On Relationship Red Flags & How To Heal Shame Exercises
Remember, do not bypass your shame work, alchemize that painful shame, and turn it into Pleasurework baby! You can do this by writing, speaking, sharing your story, creating content like me, connecting with a shameless community of people who are also aligned in being the most authentic version of themselves, therapy, coaching, and more! Let’s enjoy the process and help you become the most authentic shameless version of yourself!! n
I hope this part two of the relationship red flags blog series helped you spot any red flags in relationships in your life and stay clear of unhealthy partners.
Until next time, stay shameless and embrace your sexy self-care routine! Make sure you’re doing your Pleasurework friends!
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