How To Conquer Shame In The Bedroom
5 Tips On Staying Shameless In Sex
Hey, beautiful souls! Welcome back to my blog – the sacred space where we embark on a journey through the intricate realms of sex, relationships, and the art of self-love. Today, we're delving deep into a topic that often lurks in the shadows of our most intimate moments – shame. This complex emotion can weave its way into our sexual experiences and relationships in various forms, often leaving us grappling with its profound impact. If you haven’t, I HIGHLY recommend reading my last blog: The Bedroom Secret No One Talks About Shame - this gives concrete, tangible examples that I know you’re going to want to read!! Especially to understand how shame shows up in sex and to help build shame awareness. Trust me on this one, if you haven’t read that one, it’s a MUST-read!! You’ll thank me later :) Now, let’s talk about breaking free from sexual shame, and staying your SHAMELESS sexy, self!
Here are my quick tips on staying shameless before, during, and after sex…
You prioritize your sexual wants and desires! Say what you want, like, and enjoy. Honestly, talk about sex before sex, and call out shame, in a healthy aka shameless way.
You don’t self-sabotage your sexuality, EVER! No seriously, you deserve to have your cake and eat it too. That can be interpreted in many ways, so I’ll let you’re mind wander…For example, if you’re bisexual, your sexual needs based on sexuality alone are different than the cisheterosexual people out there. You are sexually attracted to men and women, AND I’m here to say it’s okay to DO YOU and speak the fuck up for your sexuality. Seriously, don’t sabotage it. You deserve to have sex with men and women and nobody needs to tell you or shame you into thinking differently.
Speak up during sex, rather than experiencing pain that’s not pleasurable, a position you don’t enjoy, a sex toy you don’t want to use, or anything else. Consent is key! It’s okay to change your mind, you’re partner(s) will thank you at the end of the day.
Consent is key! Wait did I just talk about this one? Kind of…not really. Consent, like our sexuality, changes. It’s not a one-time thing and that’s okay. We have the right to speak the fuck up, change our minds about sex, types of sex, play, and what we do or don’t want. Do your Pleasurework by communicating this with partners, to bring in more pleasure.
Engage in aftercare! Seriously, don’t rush out of the bedroom, playroom, hotel room, or space you’re having sex in. It’s okay to cuddle, have water, just lay there on a cloud, or even sleep. Aftercare comes in various forms, physical, emotional, self-care items, and more. Think through what’s best for you and talk to partner(s) about this.
Breaking Free from Sexual Shame
Below are 5 tips you can use when it comes to breaking free from sexual shame. Use these throughout your day, weeks, and months, to do your shame work and make it more pleasurable, aka pleasurework. Enjoy the process of this is what I’m trying to say!
Build Shame Awareness: Acknowledge when shame creeps into your thoughts and communication. Be mindful of shame triggers, both internal and external.
Challenge Shameful Narratives: Question the narratives that contribute to shame. Replace negative thoughts with affirming and empowering beliefs about your body, desires, and sexual experiences.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Recognize that everyone navigates their unique sexual journey, free from judgment and shame.
Open Communication: Foster an environment of open communication with your partner(s). Discuss desires, boundaries, and expectations without judgment, creating a space where vulnerability is met with understanding.
Seek Professional Support: If shame continues to impact your sex life, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or counselor. Professional guidance can provide valuable tools and insights to navigate and overcome shame.
Healing Shame Exercises When It Comes To Sex
Incorporating shame exercises into your sexual self-care routine can be a powerful way to address and overcome shame. These exercises are designed to promote self-awareness, communication, and a shame-free mindset. Here are five examples:
Shame Journaling:
Set aside dedicated time for self-reflection.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings related to sex, intimacy, and your body.
Identify any recurring patterns or negative beliefs associated with shame.
Challenge and reframe these thoughts, replacing them with positive affirmations.
Gradually, explore writing about positive sexual experiences and what makes you feel empowered.
Body Positivity Mirror Exercise:
Stand in front of a mirror in a comfortable and private space.
Focus on your body, embracing it without judgment.
Verbalize positive affirmations about different parts of your body.
Challenge any negative thoughts that arise by replacing them with self-love statements.
Repeat this exercise regularly to build a positive connection with your body.
Couples Communication Exercise:
Engage in an open and honest conversation with your partner about your sexual desires and boundaries.
Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or shaming.
Create a safe space for your partner to share their thoughts and desires without judgment.
Practice active listening and empathy to enhance understanding.
Establish a plan to navigate any areas of shame collaboratively.
Fantasy Exploration and Acceptance:
Allow yourself to explore your sexual fantasies without judgment.
Write down your fantasies in a private journal.
Reflect on any shame or guilt associated with these fantasies.
Challenge negative emotions by acknowledging that fantasies are a natural and healthy part of human sexuality.
Embrace self-acceptance and recognize that your fantasies do not define your worth.
Mindfulness and Sensual Awareness:
Engage in mindfulness practices to stay present during intimate moments.
Practice deep breathing and body scans to connect with your sensations.
Focus on the pleasure and sensations rather than allowing intrusive thoughts of shame.
If shame arises, acknowledge it without judgment, and gently redirect your focus to the present moment.
Gradually build a positive association between mindfulness and sexual experiences.
Remember, these shame exercises are tools to support your journey in overcoming shame related to sex. It's essential to approach them with self-compassion, build shame awareness, and seek professional guidance, such as a sex therapist if needed. Each individual's experience with shame is unique, and tailor-made approaches can be more effective in addressing specific concerns.
Overcoming the Shame that Haunts Your Sex Life
Remember, understanding and addressing shame is an ongoing journey. Embrace your sexual self with love, compassion, and a commitment to cultivating shameless intimacy.
When it comes to sex, navigating shame requires a delicate blend of communication, understanding, and self-awareness. We must create spaces where open dialogue is encouraged, allowing both partners to express their desires without shame's looming presence.
Recognizing shame-loaded statements and experiences is the first step. Unpack them, replace them with communication rooted in understanding, accurate empathy, and compassion, and embrace a sex-positive mindset that celebrates the diversity of desires, preferences, and experiences without judgment.
As we journey through the complexities of sexual experiences, let's strive to cultivate shame awareness. By dismantling shame and fostering understanding, we pave the way for a more shameless, fulfilling, and empowered approach to our intimate lives.
I hope this blog highlighted some things regarding shame, sex, and self, and how to move forward on being with shame and doing your shameless work!
Until next time, stay shameless and embrace your sexy self-care routine! Make sure you’re doing your Pleasurework friends!
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