The Bedroom Secret No One Talks About: Shame
How Shame Shows Up In Sex
Hey everyone, welcome back to my blog! Today, we're diving into a topic that's near and dear to my heart: shame in sex. As a sex therapist and intimacy coach for sexual wellness, I've seen firsthand how shame can rear its ugly head in the most intimate of moments. Here are some examples of how shame shows up in sex…
"Are you present right now?" Questioning
"Sex is a chore." Not wanting it
"We have the same old boring sex." Lack of spontaneity & trying something new in sex
"I need sex; sex is my love language." Manipulation tactic, sex is not a love language, and sex is not a drive. A drive is something we need, aka water, food, and sleep are all drives, we aren’t going to die if we don’t have sex.
"Why don’t we have sex as much as our friends Sherry & Jerry?" Shame Personality Behavior of the Comparer/Gossiper/Judge, when we compare our sex lives to others, we lose.
"Was that good for you too?" Reassurance-seeking and can stem from performance anxiety.
"You’re going to get pregnant the first time you have sex." Shame tactic, and even a myth and/or lie for some who have had sex hundreds of times, and not gotten pregnant. Also, no inclusive sex education when thinking of types of sex and the LGBTQIA+ community.
"You’re going to hell if you have sex before marriage." Fear based tactic whether or not people believe those religious “truths,” isn’t helpful, it’s shameful.
Trust me when I say this, as a sex therapist and intimacy coach, this list could go on and on. Whether it's before, during, or after sex, shame has a way of creeping into our experiences and shaping our perceptions. So let's break down these common scenarios further, where shame shows up in the bedroom, and how we can heal shame together.
Navigating Shame in Sex: Unraveling Statements and Experiences
"Are you present right now?"
Imagine being amid intimacy, and your partner hits you with, "Are you present right now?" This seemingly innocent question can carry a heavy dose of shame. It implies that you might not be fully engaged, that your mind is wandering somewhere else. It stirs feelings of inadequacy, making you question your ability to be in the moment.
"Sex is a chore."
If your partner ever drops the bomb that sex feels like a chore, it's a shame-loaded statement. It suggests that the act of intimacy has become a duty rather than a source of pleasure and connection. This can leave both partners feeling unfulfilled and questioning the depth of their intimate connection.
"We have the same old boring sex."
Variety is the spice of life, right? But when a partner laments that your sex life has become monotonous, it's a shame trigger. It implies a lack of excitement and adventure, making you wonder if you're falling short in keeping things interesting and satisfying.
"I need sex; sex is my love language."
While expressing one's needs is healthy, framing it as a need that validates love can evoke shame. It can make the other partner feel pressured or inadequate if they perceive their desire for intimacy differently. The implication is that without frequent sexual encounters, the love tank isn't quite full.
"Why don’t we have sex as much as our friends Sherry & Jerry?"
Comparisons can be detrimental, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. If your partner brings up the frequency of sex in comparison to another couple, it can instill shame. It suggests inadequacy and prompts questions about whether your relationship measures up to an external standard.
"Was that good for you too?"
Post-sex evaluations can sometimes take a wrong turn, leading to shame. Asking if it was good for both partners might imply doubt or a fear of not meeting expectations. It's essential to communicate openly about preferences, but framing it as a judgment on performance can introduce shame into the equation.
"You’re going to get pregnant the first time you have sex."
Fear-based statements about the consequences of sex, like the possibility of immediate pregnancy, carry shame. They contribute to the stigma around sexual pleasure, making individuals feel guilty or fearful about engaging in a natural and consensual act.
"You’re going to hell if you have sex before marriage."
Bringing religious or moral judgments into the intimate sphere can induce shame. This statement places a heavy burden on the individual's sense of morality, making them question their worthiness and goodness based on their sexual choices.
Navigating Age-Related Shame in Sex
Children Get Sexually Shamed
As a child, if we masturbate at a young age, some research studies report the age of 3, other celebrities have talked about this via age 5, or touching ourselves, adults can shame children just for exploring their bodies. Even when the parent who’s carrying the baby has sex or an orgasm, the baby can feel that and does too. There have been sonograms proving this to be true and research backs this up. Remember, that kiddos are sexual beings, just like teenagers and adults. Our bodies age, change, develop, and grow over time, so let’s not shame them for having natural, normal, sexual urges and have an openness to sexual self care, masturbation or not.
Teenagers Get Sexually Shamed
You’re probably thinking, all those sex hormones after puberty running like wild right? Wrong! Research studies have shown over the past couple of years that teenagers are having less sex than more compared to the 80’s. Why? One reason is due to the lack of sex education. It is typically an abstinent-only model, is not inclusive of the LBGTQIA+ community, uses scare tactics, is not inclusive of sex education of proper genital words, terms, information, there’s no information given regarding birth control, and in 1985 people were getting more sex education compared to now. Not a shocker when the government pays around $4 Million to keep it an abstinent-only, noninclusive, model annually for sex education in schools. So stop assuming that teens are having as much sex or more sex than adults when in reality they aren’t.
Adults Get Sexually Shamed
We get shamed if we’re kinky, a dom, a sub, a switch, we have a fetish, we’re not “vanilla,” we are “vanilla” we use sex toys, get told our kinks aren’t kinks, gaslit, shamed if someone walks in while having sex, and the list can go on and on.
As we age, our bodies go through natural changes, and shame can find its way into the bedroom in different ways:
"You’re going through andropause, perimenopause, and/or menopause, and sex doesn’t feel as enjoyable, pleasurable, satisfying, as wet with natural lubrication, and you get shamed or shame partner(s)/spouse."
Perimenopause starts around age 40-44, and for some, mid-30s, which can influence one’s hormones and sexual libido. Andropause has been talked about as Male Menopause, in which case can also decrease sexual libido as hormones change. The unfortunate thing about andropause is that it isn’t talked about enough and there is little research and resources on the subject. Menopause is a big one that women go through when their body is changing, along with hormones, and a decrease in sexual libido can occur as well.
The natural aging process can impact sexual experiences. If these changes are met with shame rather than understanding, it can hinder the ability to navigate this phase of life with grace and acceptance.
"People don’t think you have sex after age 50."
Society's narrow views on sexuality and aging can lead to exclusion and shame for individuals beyond a certain age. Being left out of discussions or treated as if sexual desire diminishes after a certain age can contribute to feelings of invisibility and inadequacy.
How To Heal Shame During Sex
Navigating shame in sex can be challenging, but it's essential to remember that you're not alone. By acknowledging and addressing shame when it arises, we can create a more open, honest, and fulfilling sexual experience for ourselves and our partners.
I hope this candid discussion sheds light on the complex ways shame shows up in sex and empowers you to navigate these challenges with grace and compassion. Remember, you deserve a shame-free, pleasurable sex life, and I'm here to support you every step of the way.
If you're looking for further support or guidance in your sexual wellness journey, don't hesitate to reach out. As a sex therapist and intimacy coach, I'm here to help you overcome shame and embrace your sexuality with confidence and joy.
Until next time, stay shameless and embrace your sexy self-care routine! Make sure you’re doing your Pleasurework friends!
I hope this guide helps you navigate the complexities of shame in sex. These examples, coming from a sex therapist and intimacy coach’s perspective, aim to shed light on how shame can manifest in intimate moments and empower you to address it with compassion and understanding.
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